"you love me, and he loves...who?"

NINE

The next days of the week passed like a derby. i didn't realize it was already friday. my days were not so great however coz James and i didn't spend any time together. we barely had time to see each other. in fact, i only see him during classes. they were getting busy with basketball now. championships was very near and they were doing their best to fight and maintain their title this year. but still, when James and i were together, it was like the old times. he always kids around, teases me and talks about his never ending jokes. what's even more great is that Bret was talking to me again. i didn't know the whole story but i didn't bother to ask. what's important to me was that we were friends again. Fretzie was no longer busy, her projects were done so it was cool hanging out with her once more. the four of us, just like the old times. and i was excited coz that afternoon, the Wildcats will face their archenemy---the Wolves---it surely was going to be one terrific game. both teams were already in the finals. and finally, i'd get to see both James and Ivan play this time. of course i will be on the Wildcats' side, but it wouldn't hurt if i also cheer for Ivan, would it? i guess not.

"Ann, you coming to the game this afternoon?" i heard James calling me.

"Hey, there. of course! i wouldn't miss it for the world! good luck okay? Fretzie and i are going to cheer for you and Bret, so give it your best shot!" James nodded and replied,

"We definitely will. this game is very important to us, whoever wins will face the Dragons for the championship...honestly, i'm kind of nervous." i touched his arm and reassured him,

"What? you, nervous? that's not a part of your vocabulary. you'll be great! trust me. just relax, okay?" James winked at me as he left.

"Thanks Ann, see you later!"

"All right! Break a leg!" before he was completely out of my sight however, i saw James talking to a girl. i looked closely and realized it was Devon. if i remember correctly, she was the same girl who stole my first boyfriend away from me. i tried not to pry, but i couldn't help looking at them. i wonder what she's up to now. she was touching James' arm and flirting with him. it did somersaults to my insides. i never took my eyes off them, and to my shock, James kissed her on her cheek, but Devon clearly wasn't satisfied, coz she pulled James' nape and pulled him closer and kissed him back, right in the lips! i was astounded! oh my goodness! i couldn't believe what i saw. i ran to the comfort room and there, i found myself yelling. dude, was i mad! so that explains why i don't see James anymore. he already had a girlfriend. and the worst part is, it had to be her. it made me so sad i wanted to cry. i didn't know why i was acting like that, or how i felt at that very moment. but it seemed that the world, my world, was falling apart. my best friend...and my most hated person. how could they? how could he??? but what can i do? tears welled up in my eyes and i cried.

"anywhere but here"

EIGHT

Moments later, i saw a car heading for our driveway. i thought it was mom's but it was a different one. as i approached it, i found out it was Ivan's car. when he got out, he was bringing a bouquet of white roses and chocolates. i thought it was very sweet of him. but a small, teeny weeny part of me wasn't pleased, maybe coz his approach was so common. but i set those thoughts aside.

"Hi Ann, these are for you. beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl." he announced as i accepted the gifts.

"Oh thank you Ivan, but what's the occasion?"

"Nothing. i just want to give you these. coz you're special to me, and i want to make you feel special." he said sheepishly.

"Really? i'm flattered. thanks again. come on in." i led him inside the house.

"Make yourself at home, okay?" i spoke casually. i was a bit nervous coz we were alone and i didn't know what to do. my confident facade was crumbling each second. he sat on the left side of our couch so i sat on the opposite side and pretended to be reading a magazine. he moved and came closer. i could smell his cologne. he looked like he just stepped out from the shower. we were silent for a few minutes, then finally, he said,

"So, you're home alone?" i gulped.

"Yeah..uh...mom is out with her pals." what's wrong with me? a cat got my tongue? to my dismay, Ivan came closer until we were side by side. i shivered a little.

"Ann Li, are you okay? you're not scared of me, are you?"

"Of course i am okay! and i'm not scared! why should i be?" i asked as i met his intense gaze. he leaned forward and held my chin with his hand and suddenly kissed me, a kiss that lasted for only a second. i pulled away.

"Ivan, don't..." i expected to feel this tingling sensation inside but instead, i felt that somehow, it wasn't right. why? i like Ivan a lot, i was falling in love with him, so why do i feel like it was wrong? after our kiss he moved back and confessed,

"Ann, i think...i'm falling in love with you." i blushed. i couldn't think of any response so i simply smiled. for about an hour we just watched TV. and after that he went home coz according to him, he had early practice tomorrow. they were nearing the championships so training was getting a little hectic. i felt relieved. when he left, i wasn't in the mood to go inside yet so i stayed in the backyard again. guess who came, James!

"James, hi! i'm so happy you're here!" am i okay? i sounded a little desperate. but thankfully, James didn't seem to notice.

"Hi Ann! i bought pizza and i thought i'd share it with you. and hey, i want to let you hear the new song i made." i noticed then that he brought his acoustic guitar with him. we used to do a lot of duets when we were younger. and every Christmas we and together with some other pals go around the neighborhood and sing Christmas carols together. i find myself yearning for those times.

"Oh, i'd love that. let's go inside." i told him to sit on the couch while i got sodas from the fridge. when i went back in the living room, i saw that Ivan's flowers were still on the side table. and i took note of James' frown when he gazed at it. or was it just my imagination? we started eating soon after that awkward moment. then he sang his new song entitled "anywhere but here." and when i started hearing it, i wished the night would never end...

(to the reader: please listen to safetysuit's 'anywhere but here' as you read the lyrics. so you will capture the moment)

Is this the end of the moment
Or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be?
Or maybe be
Everything that I never thought could happen
Or ever come to pass and
I wonder
If maybe
Maybe I could be
All you ever dreamed, cause you are

Beautiful inside
So lovely and I
Can't see why I'd do anything without you, you are
And when I'm not with you
I know that it's true
That I'd rather be anywhere but here without you

Is this a natural feeling
Or is it just me bleeding
All my thoughts and dreams
In hope that you will be with me or
Is this a moment to remember
Or just a cold day in December?
I wonder
If maybe
Maybe I could be
All you ever dreamed, cause you are

Beautiful inside
So lovely and I
Can't see why I'd do anything without you, you are
And when I'm not with you
I know that it's true
That I'd rather be anywhere but here without you...

Is this the end of the moment
Or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be
For you and me?

After the last chord, James gazed at me. and i looked at him. we stayed that way for a good one minute, just staring at each other. i couldn't describe how i was feeling that exact moment. when i finally found my voice, i said,

"James, that was very beautiful...i don't know what to say..." he smiled shyly as he gave his reply,

"Really? well, i'm glad you liked it. it's for someone special..." but then he saw the flowers again. and just like that, the spellbinding moment was gone.

"Are those from Ivan?" i really didn't wanna talk about Ivan in that very instant but before i managed an answer, James continued,

"You love him, don't you? man, he sure is lucky..." i was about to deny that but James suddenly stood up and gathered his things.

"James, are you all right? is something bothering you? please, tell me...i'm your best friend." he paused and after getting his guitar, motioned for me to usher him outside. he said,

"Yes, you are my best friend...and i always will be yours...thanks for tonight Ann. it made me see things clearly now..." not quite understanding his words, i stated,

"You're welcome...and thanks too...that song was perfect...like i said over and over, you'll be a famous singer one day, sell a million copies of your album and have trillions of fans...and i'll be left at the sidelines, lucky if i could get a glimpse of you or two." he laughed at my comment.

"Ann Li, catching a glimpse of me at the sidelines??? i find that hard to believe..." he started walking down the street, when i called out to him,

"Why do you find that hard to believe?" James, about ten meters away from me, replied,

"Don't you see, i'll always be the one catching a glimpse of you...whatever i do or wherever i go, i'd see you..." then he turned and left me standing there in the cold night---dazed...and confused. i finally went to my room after he was out of sight. what a long day! it was tiring, but James' pizza made it more meaningful...and his song made it perfect. his presence does that to me, makes me happy. right before sleeping i saw a picture frame of me and James on my dresser. we were really pals, and he'll forever be special to me. i took the picture, placed it on my bed side table after i gave it a kiss.

"this is me, without you"

SEVEN

Monday morning came with a blast! i didn't know we were going to have lots of exams. and unfortunately, i haven't studied that much coz i spent my weekend with Ivan. by now, word got around school that i was going out with the captain of the 'Wolves'. some people were amazed, but others considered me a traitor too, for going out with the 'enemy'. but i didn't mind this. if they were too immature to get it, then that's fine by me. besides, i was enjoying spending time with Ivan. i was eating lunch alone at the canteen when suddenly, James sat in front of me.

"Hi Ann! how are you doing?" he asked as he gave me that familiar, warm smile.

"Um...i'm fine. what about you? i haven't seen you around lately and i thought you were mad at me." i replied honestly. James shrugged as if our fight never happened.

"For a while, yeah, i admit, i was upset with you. i mean, you never spoke that way to me before. and you always had time for me, no matter how nonsense our conversations were. so when you told me you were too busy for me that night, i got mad. and i didn't know how to handle it, this new version of you." i nodded and touched his hand on the table.

"I tried to apologize to you after that, but you didn't give me a chance. and James, don't ever think i'm too busy for you, coz that's not true. you're my best friend, and i always will be. that night when we fought, it was a mistake. i'm sorry if i hurt you." James grinned and held my hand in return.

"I'm sorry for hurting you too, Ann. to tell you the truth, ever since our fight, everyone around me kept telling me i wasn't myself. it was awful, not talking to you. and i realized that i'm not good at anything when we're fighting. it's coz you're my best friend, and you're important to me...without you...well, i'm not me." my heart melted with his admission. and i realized i feel the same way he does. life just doesn't seem fun when he's not in it.

"James, let's not fight again, okay? we're best friends, and best friends should stick together." James agreed and asked,

"Promise?" i gave him a smile as i answered back,

"Yup, dude! that's a promise." James smiled. then, after a few minutes we walked to class together.

After classes that day James and i walked home. and we talked about the things we did since our fight. i was delighted to know that their team 'Wildcats' are already at the semifinals. i was so proud of him. it was obvious to James that he was also glad that we were friends again. but then i remembered something,

"James, can i ask you something?"

"Shoot!"

"Well, lately...uh...there's this guy that i'm dating...he's the captain of the Wolves...you might recognize him...anyway, we bumped into Bret a couple of times and during those times, he was such a snob and just plain rude. does Bret hate Ivan that much?" i noticed James took his time replying. i was getting worried that he didn't like this topic of conversation. finally, he said,

"I don't know about that Ann. but if it means a lot to you, i'll ask Bret about it."

"That would be great James! and thanks. i hope Bret isn't mad or anything, but if he is, what's his reason? i haven't told Fretzie about this, well, she's also busy so it's fitting that i don't bother her..." wow, i was babbling again. is it my imagination or is James upset? he was so quiet and wasn't as jolly as before.

"James, you okay?" He looked at me and gave me that usual smile again.

"Oh, of course. why wouldn't i be? hey Ann, i need to go. talk to you later okay?" i felt that something was wrong, but i didn't want to press the issue. maybe he was just tired.

"Okay, bye!" he didn't seem to hear me for he rushed to another direction. what happened? was it something i said? something i did? i pondered about our earlier conversation but i couldn't seem to find what was amiss. finally, i reached home. after clearing away the dishes that night, i rested on our couch. i didn't find a good movie on the tube and i didn't have someone to talk to, mom was out with her pals, while Fretzie was on a date with Bret, again. Ivan was still at their basketball practice and James was, i don't know exactly about James' whereabouts but he still didn't call me. so, left with nothing to do, i slept. an hour later i got up, did my laundry. then i stayed outside in our backyard and sat on the swing. i was thinking about Ivan, and surprisingly, i was also thinking about James and comparing them to each other. they're both special to me, both a part of me. but of course, different in a way. James is my best friend, while Ivan is my, soon to be boyfriend? i don't know. but one thing's for sure, i couldn't stand to face another day in this world without the both of them.